Friday, November 5, 2010

Meditation on Fidelity

November 5,2010

Arghhhh…I woke up so early again.
I kept hugging and hugging my pillow hoping to feel it breathe and for it to hug me back.
I miss my human pillow. I long to bury my head under his arms while he cradles me.
I miss my daily dose of 100 hugs.
Tossing and turning was not helping so I reached for the reading lamp and got my book.
A long walk to forever.
Hmmm…very romantic and quite disturbing.Next.
A Meditation on Fidelity.
Ok…this is more like my cup of tea this morning.
I see the dark heavy grey clouds outside my window. White patches tell me the golden rays are coming out soon…hoping to get sunny kissess from the heavens.
Why am I so alive from 3am to 8am and the rest of the day…I want to puke or just bury my head among the pillows?
Someone just gave me a glowing compliment on my penned thoughts. I want to say likewise and I think you should do more of it as well.
Page 32-36 of The Chain of Love, Essays for Daily Living by Joseph Galdon SJ.

The problem with commitments, as we all know so well, is not making them., but keeping them. We make a hundred commitments, but how many of them do we really keep? It’s fidelity that causes all the problems and all the heartaches in life. Carmen Caltagirone ( Friendship as Sacrament) says that we live in an “era of broken promises, forgotten commitments and failed relationships.” I don’t know what the statistics are on broken marriages in the Philippines. We don’t keep those statistics. I guess, because we are afraid to admit that there are so many broken marriages ( or at least separated or polygamous couples) in our country. I see so much evidence of those broken marriages in the young people I meet in school, on retreats and in counselling situations. Their stories can break your heart sometimes. There is nothing more tragic than a young teenager who is trying to convince himself ( and others) that it really doesn’t matter if his father ( or his mother) has another family and has half brothers and sisters whom he has never met.

Well, I guess, since this book was printed 1993 statistics then would be prettier than now. With the OFW demand…maybe it has more than quadrupled.

Broken marriages are the most obvious debris of infidelity in our society. But there is also much infidelity in friendship as well. I was very sad the other day when a young teenager told me that she didn’t have any friends at all. “ you can’t trust them.” She said. “ Friends are always going to betray you and hurt you.” No wonder Simon and Garfunkel sing about being a rock and an island. “ if I had never loved, I never would have cried.” That’s a sad commentary about friendship in our modern world. It’s almost as sad as Simon and Garfunkel’s other son about the “ Sounds of Silence” “ Take my hand that I might reach you. Hear my words that I might teach you. But my words, like silent raindrops, fell and echoed in the well of silence.” Shattered friendships are almost as sad as broken marriages in a world that doesn’t put much value on fidelity.

Tsk tsk…for the Divorce proponents in the halls of our Congress…maybe this can easily be translated into freedom. But…if you look at the ole big book…the top 10 rules does not say explicitly. But the last few laws tell you not to lust too much in flesh and with the eyes.
There are 10 more short and very insightful paragraphs..I wanna skip them and zero in the line” When you are having trouble with fidelity that means you are having trouble with a person.”It continues” Fidelity, therefore is essentially a response to the commitment of the other to me.”

The other…sounds very familiar. Someone just mentioned that term to me and never got to clear my confusion.

It continues:” It must be provoked by the love of the other for me.”

Him or you?

Furthermore: “ Only then do I respond with fidelity to the other love for that I have seen in the other person.”

Him or you? Hahaha, my thoughts are getting more convoluted. With intent or not, only God knows.

This last part is really quite funny: “ I laughed because it was pretty hard to conceive of a commitment that was a response to a love that had shown itself in a few days. It was attraction, perhaps, infatuation, maybe, or indigestion that accounted for the butterflies in her stomach, but certainly not a commitment that could support fidelity.”

I found this part really hilarious.
Infanticipation has symptoms so similar to butterflies and indigestion. Frequent passing gas is a relief and a blessing. I wonder why it happens, when I do not eat much food.
I see the light outside much brighter now…But the light grey overcast cloud do not permit the wonderful sun rays to reach me today. That is alright. I accept that some things have to be this way.
But I remain restless and desirous in my state of utter undesirablity.
And look at 6:21 am the horizon outside my window is bursting with a spectacular shade of gold, basking my working area with a golden calm while I get kissed a million times that it makes me warm and tingle inside and out.
Just maybe like if I got my first real one from my childhood crush. (wink!wink!)

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


November 3,2010
For the past 3 days, I have been roused from bed very early in the morning. Some people and I also believe that it is a call to prayer.
This morning, as the sun is gloriously streaming into this east window , I thought of checking out a very old book of mine called The Chain of Love, Essay for Daily Living by Joseph A. Galdon SJ.
I was searching for something that really jumped out of the page when I first read it.
Since I could not locate it, I browsed the table of contents and this article really caught my attention. It is called FOR ADULTS ONLY. I will copy it to digest it fully as a gesture of reflection and maybe will not help adding my comments.

Sister Anselm told us that we should never go to movies that were classified “ For Adults Only.” She said we should only go to movies that were classified GP- General Patronage, and were OK for children. I could never figure out what the difference was between children and adults, except that everyone among us second graders wanted to go to movies For Adults Only, and no one ever wanted to go to the GP movies. But then I grew up a little bit and I began to understand the difference between children and adults. Judith Viorst summarized a lot of those differences in a very fine article in “Redbook” in 1987.
We grow up all our lives, she wrote, and we grow up in all kinds of ways. Some of our growth is fast and some of it is slow, sometimes painfully slow. Cardinal Newman wrote in one of his essays that everything that is alive must grow, and when something stops growing we know that it is dead. We may be adults in some parts of our lives, and still be like little children in other apects of our lives. I know a man who is the greatest business man in the world. He is very successful in the office, but he isn’t a very good husband and he doesn’t know how to show affection for his children when they need it from him.
The bad news about being an adult is that life isn’t fair. No matter how you twist it and turn it and try to finagle with it, life just isn’t fair and it is never going to be so. The big question in adult life isn’t “ Why me? It is , or should be ,” Why not me?” The other touchy part about being an adult is that no matter how nice and charming and bright you are,not everyone you meet is going to approve of what you are or what you do, or love you, or even like you. When you are an adult you begin to realize that from time to time it is going to rain in your parade, and that now and then, no matter how careful you try to be, you are going to do something unbelievably stupid. That is the bad news about being an adult.

How stupid can stupid ever be? Knowing that you are headed for destruction/trouble/dissaster, and you still will proceed?

The good news is that unless you are hanging around with some really stupid and mean people, no one but you will every remember the dumb things that you have ever done. The other good news about being an adult is that you do not have to have an opinion on everything, and that almost all the bad stuff in life is survivable. We do get over the bad things, and sometimes we even discover- eventually- that a lot of the bad things in life have even been useful. When you become an adult you begin to realize that you are not nearly as wonderful as you hoped you would be.

Very true especially for low self esteemed people who do not have a positive perception of themselves. Here Here! But realistically, 41 can never be 23 again.

..but you are not nearly as terrible as you feared you would be. Being an adult isn’t really too bad. I have never met an adult who, if he had a choice, would want to go back and be a child again. I liked Sister Anselm a lot,but I don’t think I would want to go back and be a second grader again. I wouldn’t want to be as selfish as I was in second grade or as proud and childish as I was then.

Hmmmm….struck a chord. Deep. My realization, one cannot just discard a very important person in once life, because another one comes along with a very attractive package.

When we’re adults we aren’t as self centered as we used to be. We’re not so judgemental- or just plain dumb- as we were when we were little kids. We aren’t as self righteous as we used to be, and we have learned to tell the difference between the tinsel and the fluff, between the real and the fake, between the important and non important. An adult knows about real friendship and what is worth chasing after in life. Growing up is tough, but it does bring a lot of rewards. We aren’t as self pitying as we used to be, and we know better what we like, in work, in play, in people and in life.

Ok, if I be a real friend in this particular situation I am faced with, I shall not pity too much. I shall call the truth by name and evil as I see it coming.

Judith Viorst has a good examination of conscience for adults in her Redbook article. She says that you are an adult with your own parents when you start looking at them, not just as parents, but also as real people, with dreams and needs and fears and lives of their own. You are an adult with your parents when you can forgive them for what you feel they did not give you and can start really feeling grateful for what you did get from them. When your parents tell you what to do( Imagine! You’re married and have kids of your own and they are still telling you what to do!) do you foam at the mouth and get totally furious at them, feel that you have no choice except to obey, or listen very politely and kindly to what they have to say, and then go and make your own decision?

As to the frothing and foaming, not much anymore, I am able to muster a good smile and go my way.

When you and your parents go out for dinner in a nice restaurant, do you still expect them to pay the bill??? Viorst says that if you are an adult, you already know the answers to these questions, and if you are not an adult, being told the answers won’t help very much.

Hmmmm…thus we should read the road sign, clearly enough and early on. No Text/sex while driving.

You can’t give the knife that he wants to play with. You have to say no if you love him and are Viorst also says that you are an adult with your child if you know how to set limits, for yourself and for your child. As a parent you are responsible for your kid’s morals, manners, health and well being. That means that, without being a bully or a fascist, or one of those imperialist that our teenagers are always talking about, you are allowed and sometimes obliged to say to your kids : “ I don’t care how they do it in Marin’s family. This is the way we do it in our family. When you are a parent yourself, you’’ be able to do it your way. But in the meantime, I expect you to do it our way. I’ve already explained what I want you to do and why, so not you have to stop arguing and just do it. And you have to di it because I said so. You have to do it and I don’t have to to do it because you are the kid and I am the adult.”a good parent and adult. One of the most foolish definitions of love I’ve heard from a teenager on a retreat one time. She said that Love means always to say Yes. When she grows up and becomes an adult, she will realize that love very often means saying No, quite firmly and quite definitely.

I will not include the last paragraph on page 58. Because I want to end in NO. Firmly and definitely.


Thursday, October 14, 2010


We are now in the "ber"months and I have not blogged for 3 whole months. daughter asked me just the other night..why not?
I AM PREGNANT.5 weeks and counting.The medical article calls my baby a .28cm BLASTOCYST...for whatever it is called..I call it MY BLESSING. MY GOD'S GIFT.

I did an online calculator of the gender based on 600 years of Chinese lunar studies...and it tells me it is going to be a boy.

Well, I entrust that in the Lord's hand. Whatever it will be ,so long it is healthy and bouncing and cuddly in Jesus mighty name.

The only thing I did to try to ensure my baby's gender is to consume Alkaline water to stabilize my PH levels.

So, let us see how this goes by June of next year.

It was fun to review my entries.

I plan to join a contest soon, so I gotta get me the book needed to participate in it and will see how it fares.

Wish me luck and God's graces.

God is sooooooooooooo good....
My hubby and little girl are so happpy that I am pregnant.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Some Guys Have All The Luck...Some Guys...

Yesterday, my daughter and I were appreciating this Rod Stewart song while she was making her No Smoking Poster. She said: Mama that is a nice song. I said, yeah. I told her, Rod Stewart also sings the: Have I told you seemed to have forgotten. I already told her about it before. thoughts were kinda glued to the lines:
Some guys have all the luck,
Some guys have all the pain,
Some guys do nothing but complain.
Well...Bishop Luis Tagle, in todays mass celebrating Christs Transfiguration also touched on this last line: People who are full of problems and complaints.
I hope..I am not one of those.
But, admittedly, I can really be caught up with emotions now and then..especially if I am trying to deal with meaness from certain people.
You now, just downright meaness.
Another inspirational writer in the Oprah series..says that Mean people suck...but they should be pitied first and foremost since Mean people are hurting people that is why they easily hurt others as a defense mechanism of some sort.
They are looking at others with glasses of being victims.
They want to change the tables by being the perceived victors with the upper hand when they achieve an offensive stance..which turns out to really be very offensive.
The article further suggest ways on treating this budding bullies.
One most effective way to deal with them, is not to deal with them at all.
I tried it just the other day...
It worked...
This person, buckled and became a bit nicer.
But...all because, it had an ulterior motive.
My next move....just continue to keep the distance.
Well, this past week saw me being dowm with something that made me so dizzy with splitting headaches.
It has been almost 2 weeks now that I have not made any reflections.
Well, last week was some kinda stormy week. Literally and figuratively.
Finally the monthly period came with much of a fuss...hormonally speaking.
I was like Mt. Pinatubo almost about the blow my top.
I claim order and peace in this coming week.
Marina and I are excited to start another home school quarter kicking off with preparations for the Linggo ng Wika.
I am so eager to choreograph a traditional Southern Philippines dance. I am almost done with her costume.
The bead work would have to be put on hold yet.
I have yet to compute and submit her grades.
Guide her through several projects and science experiments yet.
We can do this!
With God's wonderful blessing and graces..Who needs luck!
After all, luck happens when preparation and opportunity meet.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Brrrrhhhhh bed weather!

No, the weather report says it is not a storm. It is just a tropical depression.
Oh well, I am a bit sad over my laundry.
Gimini Cricket was whispering to me, bring them in already before we left at 1130 am.
I did, but not all of it.
So, the rain, drenched the few items I left out on the clothes line.
I have to do them again.
And….it is confirmed, my under- the- kitchen- sink- cabinet - leak, is rain/drain related….I almost slipped over the ankle deep water puddle in my dinning area, which was already reaching under the Berlin wall bamboo bench I have dividing the sala and the dinning area.
My landlord will really hear from me tomorrow.
I claim, calmness of spirit and attitude.
Imagine…what if I broke my neck or my head.
This is a result of poor planning and plumbing.
I was soaked by the rain, was in a hurry to take a pee, the house was semi dark, it was still 430pm but with all the dark rain clouds the afternoon light was not sufficient for me to see the state of my apartment...I just felt water lapping into my blue ballet flats and almost made a split , my legs going opposite directions.
Oh me Oh my. Moo Mai.

Anyway, as to the good stuff for today.

Our Sunday adventure with Marina was not marred by the heavy downpour. On the contrary, we enjoyed riding the angel to the rescue tricycle who saved us from catching Pneumonia along JP.Rizal. There was a monster traffic in the other side of Makati with lots of flooding..thus, no taxi in sight.

So, we enjoyed the speed boat effect it had while our knight and shinning armor & stead waded the knee deep inner streets bringing us to catch our 330pm children’s mass across the Pasig river in San Roque church, Mandaluyong City.

The gospel for today focused on the promise made by our Savior when we pray: “Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened to you.”

Lord knows, what I am banging on His doors for. It is actually for my daughter. Her heartfelt wishes are so…inspiring. I am just the good fairy, trying to aid/facilitate it’s processing.

The ball is in your court now Lord. Take over.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Ice cold Coke please!!!

I feel so exhausted. Mag coke muna tayo!

I started the day so early. This was going to be a full day. Many errands to do plus a playtime visit by my daughter to her friends in the nearby California Gardens Village by mid afternoon.

Unfortunately, the appointment supposedly right after that was a bit of a challenge. She kept on changing and changing the time.

Good thing everything fell into place. But I was a bit stressed out already. The most important errand had to be postponed hopefully for tomorrow or Monday.

I was so happy to see my daughter and her friend, play to their hearts content. Running and running around as if their energy was limitless. How I envy that. A wise man once noted…all that energy lost in youth….So true so true… Here you are running after time, and your energy level abandons you when you still need more. Running on fumes is not a good idea at all.

Anyway, the day was capped with my daughter getting her favorite pork bar b.q. while I did my grocery shopping. The dessert of Vanilla ice cream from Mini Stop came first.

One thing good came out of this day… seeing my daughter beso beso her friend after their play date. It was so nice to see the two chums really happy for a day well spent in play. Oh, there were petty skirmishes of what game to play next. My daughter wanted to play more of the ball while her buddy wanted more of board games.

Another thing….I surprisingly recalled the complete name of an acquaintance of 15 long years ago in the Robinson’s grocery.

We were both so surprised for my quick recall.

This was usually a common embarrassment I experienced when bumping into friends or acquaintance and having to ask…what their names were.

Hmmmm…..This is good. Very good indeed. These brain cells have regenerated despite the sleepless night.

Till tomorrow then, the body is so bone tired.

I miss my hubby so much and his massages when I am in this exact state. I just reminded him 2 years being apart is the limit. No more after this.

Come to think of it…If I get pregnant during his vacation here…it will mean, I could give birth without him around….Hmmmmm…. me think, this is not good. I hope he could work out an emergency leave of some sort.

Useless anxieties again.

Lord, I offer to you up everything and trust in you for what is best.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Pros and Cons to having another baby

This morning, as our morning routine with my daughter/student, we check the book of Proverbs for our memory verse.

I then transfer it onto a small white board for her and me to see visibly in the house during the whole day.

And lo, much to my amazement, I found one of my favorite bible quotes:

“ Trust in the Lord, with all your heart and all your mind, lean not in your own understanding, and He will make straight your paths.”

It was a very clear assurance of the biggest stumbling block to my considering another child—the practical aspects of feeding and schooling him/her. It can rack up a considerable figure if you look at it in the long stretch.

One ( a worry wart) like me, cannot help but feel a bit overwhelmed and anxious.

So…this particular morning’s treasure find, was what I just needed as I attempt to come to a proactive and really….sound decision.

Why does it sound…like it is only I who has to make a decision?

Simply because, My husband and my daughter are really for the affirmative side for a long time now.

2 is to 1 is really something I cannot really overturn, just like that.

Oh by the way…I forgot to mention, I slept like a baby last night.

The rock salt really did the trick.

It glued my eyes really really shut and I woke up…feeling so rested and beautiful. The magic mirror on the wall no longer noted the heavy bags and rings under my eyes.


So, are we done with the book of Proverb?

No not yet….

My daughter asked me who wrote it.

So, I had to pull out the good ole book again and check.

As, I checked the commentary at the start of the book….I was tickled by another information that has long been forgotten by my always forgetful mind….Proverbs 31 The Ideal Wife.

Oh boy…was this going to be really an interesting ride this morning.

So, I tossed my slippers aside for a moment and curled myself in the worn out leatherette cushioned armchair we have in our sala and read on.


More thoughts pouring into my mind….hmmmm….plentiful to stock up on a lot of commentary blogs….


Wait a minute…the bottom line….You will do anything for the love of your life…your partner, your lover and marathon of life buddy.

My U.P. oblation.

My Adam.

My…Goliath and David…

My Sodom….nah…not that…

This part of my blogging is an off shoot, an influence of reading the Song of Songs…which is quite interesting to note…on the intimacy aspect of husband and wife. It somehow tickled my imagination pink and blushed my cheeks now and then.

Blue, red and all the colors of explosion and wonder and amazement and ohhs and ahhs…


Sodom sounds like a contraceptive device that we once used…but threw away after I became resolute to go the natural way. Abstinence, Calendar/Rhythm or Withdrawal method.

Anything synthetic or with germicides and spermicide, scents and flavors and all the other chemical components really repelled me and gave me bad side effects. Rashes was just one.

I never tried the pill throughout my married life..and have a long list of reasons why not.

Anyway….so far it has worked and I appreciate my husband for being so sensitive to my need for proper breathing space after my first born.

Anyway, 7 years is I guess a long wait.

And, with Divine providence, I will have the right and proper attitude toward it…one with a welcoming and happy spirit.

There are a lot information out there that I have to review and put into practice as we attempt for a boy.

There are suggestions on positioning, deep thrust for proper implantation.

The Y chromosome easily dies…thus it has to meet the X chromosome right away…so for it not to travel much and long, it should be planted at the ….

(I stopped at this point and shared it to via SKYPE to my husband for review)

We ended up laughing when he said…what is next?

And he reminded me of my daughter’s song:

“ ….deep, deep, down down, deep, down in my heart.”

I honestly don’t know the female reproductive organs beyond the external. Have to review more on this.

We just have been recently discussing and googling about the Labia and the Vulva.

Thus..he is reminding me now and then on text that he has to kiss the other lips also and cant’ wait to.


Ok PG 18 required for the next discussion.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

How to have a baby boy?

It is 12:02 am in the digital clock on my computer screen.
I have my rock salt ready.
I have been given tips to put 2-3 grains of rock salt on my tongue to help me catch sleep.
Last night was another tossing and turning session for me.
My daughter was bothered too.
I thought she was sleep talking when she asked me if I can’t sleep.
She hugged me and patted me to sleep.
It was a good thing, we enjoyed a chilly weather.
Very nice for snuggling and cuddling.

I also have my step walker beside me now.
I intend to use it to the count of 75.
So, it will make me so tired and will go flat out to dreamland.

The whole day today…I had to catch snoozes of 5-10 minutes each.
I gave Mari seatwork and she gingerly set the timer and shook me up for lessons.
But early evening tonight, I put on the TV just to pass the time.
Actually a NO NO for weeknights/school nights.
So while we were trying our best to fit into the bamboo bench like peas in a pod….I soaked in the ZZZZZZZZZZZZZs.

So…the tv lulled me to sleep from 8-11pm.
I just hope my blogging ritual now will help me sleep.
…and though how much interesting and addicting Facebook is , I will not even dare open a single profile.
Just snap and zap my blog.
That is it.
Nothing else.
Hasta la vista FB.

Tomorrow will be a busy day for me.
Music, Arts and P.E. day for us.

I also have to draft letters for 2 neighbors who asked me for some help.

I have to print some documents for mailing on Saturday.

I also have to search where Davilo or Dovelo St. is in Barangay Sta. Cruz, Makati City.

I long for those days when I hit my head on the pillow and it’s lights off automatically.
I miss those times so terribly.

Ok, perhaps it comes with the territory.

Clock is ticking and the million dollar question is hanging a heavy cloud over me….To be or not to be a mother again?

I will devote the next blogs on the why’s and the why not….and if ever I make a go of it….How to make a baby boy?

I hear that there is a 99.9 % full proof way.

Let us discover the ways together.

Hmmmm…. This is going to be exciting, I bet.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010




In my mid to late twenties, I was tasked to give short talks on Christian teaching tracts to single young professionals. I thoroughly enjoyed doing these challenges. I became one of the more favored and sought after speakers.

Soon after that, I was seriously considering taking up Education units at the University belt in Manila. My dream was to teach values education to college students. I was of course eyeing the Civil Service test as well as the Teacher Board Exam.

Fate has a way of derailing our well made plans and purposes.

In my early thirties I tied the knot with my 2 year old intimate relationship. As we were about to greet our first born, I was strongly drawn to home schooling our child. Somehow, this yearning never left me.


Again, fate led me to get to know a local home school provider and after 2 years of convincing my husband and daughter, we are now on the 2nd year of home schooling.

My daughter is now on the first grade and each day is quite a challenge…and I am more than willing to take up each hurdle, just so, I can bask in the end of day affirmation I get from my daughter who tells me, this has been a great day mom. Thanks for being my teacher.

So, from a seed of a thought and yearning…the germination process has now begun.

I am now looking forward to the breaking of soil.

To be able to finish this year in home schooling with a much better grasp and practice of teaching tools and techniques. I should have lessened the mistakes and the frustration.

This is the reason why, I am so very happy to have finally learned that UP OPEN UNIVERSITY is here to provide me with this necessary skill and credential to be able to really say with the correct/proper backing/support, that yes, I am equipped to teach. And yes, I can teach my child or any other child/young adult who has the confidence in me to mold and guide them.


I do have several plans. My most immediate plan is to continue home schooling my daughter until the end of this school year. Our agreement is to take each year at a time as to assess and re-assess whether we are going to pursue another year to the next.

I do not like to force her so it has to be an agreed undertaking.

My one to two year plan is to put up my own on-line English tutorial classes/school that will target the following countries Brunei, Indonesia, Cambodia and Vietnam.

My long term plan which will be three to five years from now is to put up my own day care/tutorial center in a neighborhood which will provide us with the pioneering edge.

It could be in the local setting or somewhere abroad where my husband’s career beckons.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


I just finished reading a news article of a Milo Marathon runner who suffered & died due to multiple organ failture brought about by heatstroke and lapses in proper cooling and hydration support by the organizer.
I offer prayers for his soul and his family.
I hear that there are more reported deaths brought about by this marathon last July 4,2010.
I wanna talk about BAGS.
No, not the kind under my eyes due to lack of sleep.
Or the signature brands that cost an arm and a leg or your soul.

Lella Santiago of July 20,2010 Kerygma Daily Bible Reflection tells us about this BAG OF MIRACLES she recounts and recollects everytime.
B stands for Blessings.
A is for accomplishments and achievements over trials and challenges
G is good deeds for others.

As she journals this, she continually marvels at God's amazing love for her.

Yeah, as they say count your blessings all the time.

I added my own S for sorry to people I have hurt and offering sorry and forgiveness for those who have hurt me.

It makes the travel much much lighter.

So, here is my version of BAGS for today.


Roof over my daughter and my head. Although the laundry/cum kitchen area has leaks on the still has covered us with ample protection from typhoons from Basyang to way back to Ondoy to Milenyo.

The energy and time to have homeschool with my daughter. I just encountered the thought that reminds us that LIFE IS NOT ALL ABOUT WORK/CAREER, things/circumstances may slow us down for us to stop and smell the roses along the way.

Deciding to homeschool my daughter has lessened the stress in my life considerably and I get to hug her anytime of the day and have lunch with her. Something I would not be able to do if I was so busy running after the dough out of the house while I try to climb the ladder or other people as I go up the career plane/floors/levels.

Less is more indeed.


First of, I have so far succeeded in not making this blog angst riddled and really a vent of hot steam.

I have achieved the proper balance of rounding off and praying for people and circumstances that disturb my spirit, body and soul.

Got my recommendation letter from a former boss so I can finally file my enrollment with UP OPEN UNIVERSTIY.


Hot choco and bread for breakfast with a neighbor who has many times failed /hurt me.

Smiling at people who are not nice. Not cynically but with love in my heart.

Being compassionate and understanding, though difficult, for those XX and OO who have snobbed me in my time of need or request for the recommendation letter.



Not sure I have wronged anybody today.

Maybe the jeepney driver I annoyed when we hailed it, then suddenly remembered I forgot something and did not ride....perhaps I annoyed him due to my forgetfullness.

Or perhaps the lady beside us at the adoration chapel who was a bit bothered by my daughter's chat with me. I sshhd her anyway but still the lady gave me this look.

Or the other lady in the other jeepney ride who looked at my daughter's sandals and said to her seatmate," oh those can be bought at only P35 in the market."

I said to myself, maybe the imitation. But this is the real thing, no!

But I caught myself and need for feathers to get ruffled anyway, this Crocs sandals are truly a dime a dozen...besides it was only a gift by my sister and I could not afford it...or if I did, would I even buy it?

Maybe not...

I am not brand conscious anyway....but why was I a bit amused?

hahahaha, perhaps by the obnoxious manner it was referred to within an arms lenght from me.


All in the day's jeepney ride.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Was My Face RED?

I discovered my depression was all for naught.
Twas folly.
My posts were being automatically saved in the draft section of my account.
Ok..oh boy, was my face red #1.

My face was red #2nd time today because...I almost lost my cool and patience.
By God's special grace I was able to hold it.
This time of the month, when my monthly period should be dropping by any moment already short super super thin.

Anyway....I did not allow whatever the situation to get the better of me and my day.
The goals for the day where achieved.
Though my just treated hair with aloe vera...was back to it's jolly old self and made a hay day plus...the hot weather fizzle and sizzle.....which reminds me of the hot iron plate of burger stoves.....So I was the vision of a grizzle bear sporting a mane ,like punk rockers just coming from an elecric shock with it's guitar.
Never mind....
It will be settled and smoothened out soon. I just need to continue my hair spa treatment regularly.
Accomplisment #1:
I was able to organize 20% of my clutter.
It made me breath much easier.
Files are now neatly kept.

The kitchen sink leak was miraculously dry today. Hmmmm...what was that all about? Where was it coming from?

For further sleuthing.

But washing the big kitchen rug was a challenge plus the all other small mats.

My back is aching and hopefully will catch my 40 winks easily.

God bless. Good night.
Right on the dot...I stop at 11:58pm.
God is good.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

July 18, 2010

There again, my post got lost.
I clicked something. Maybe the wrong keys. Whew. Better listen to my hubby's advise to write it in word then copy paste it.
Ok be back in a sec.
Here it is fresh from the word doc press:
Last Friday, this accidental click of the wrong key, led to the erase of my post. I initially felt it was a relief to see my thoughts in print. I strongly felt it was a beautiful piece. An integral part of my memory and myself.
Losing it by accident to a key stroke tangle…was quite a loss.
Tsk tsk…quite trivial one might thing. So petty.
But for me…it was quite depressing.
Anyway, one of my blogging goals is to unload and round off emotional snags and tears and attempt to by Pollyanna in all of these.
Writing has been my arm chair therapy.
My healing journey.
Last night, I was not able to do a post since…I still felt bad.
I was still processing and digesting some developments in my day which somehow left a sour taste in my tongue…I refrained from writing lest it will be angst riddled.
Anyway, today is another day…actually, the start of a brand new day and week. Clock says 12:20 A.M. and yes…. I will claim order and success in all of my tasks and challenges. I will seek and claim in faith…God’s blessing to me and to you my anonymous reader.
You are free to journey with me as a kindred spirit not the devil’s advocate please.
Be free to post your kind comments…not your biting criticism.
Today, as promised to my daughter…we would have our home spa treatment.
My hair has been frizzled a lot due to the changes in the weather. No amount of relaxing gel works to my benefit.
I still have not gotten the chance or time to use my Hair Iron/Curling set given to me by my BFF as a going away (hers) gift.
Having my hair relaxed in the beauty salon will not relax my pocket at all.
It will shoot up my blood pressure and cause havoc to my tight budget.
So, I contend with an overly used and tired do, the pony tail.
We plucked 2 thick leaves from the aloe vera plants we have outside.
Started on that. Lot of rubbing and massaging on the hair roots to tips.
My daughter was like a purring cat being massaged vigorously.
Next step, was Pond’s cold cream on the face and neck. My Gerber carrots baby food is gone. So, this will do for today.
Then we proceeded to nail care and foot heel filing.
My daughter kept saying, this is the best spa day mama. Let us do this again next Sunday.
And yes, it is going to be a regular date.
Pampering oneself is one way to truly loving oneself.
Something, I have not done much for a long long while now.
So, the bad hair day of yesterday, will be a dim memory soon.
“ I’m coming out, I want the world to know…”

Friday, July 16, 2010

July 16, 2010

It is almost 11pm. Hubby is off to edit a video of our 7 year old. Hope to post it later.
I wanna talk about several points.
The manipulation incident is still hanging over me like a dark cloud.
But...I put a resolution to it and surrender it to the Almighty's disposition.
I mean, if putting me in a I can not refuse will not hang bitter in their after taste...I hope by some grace of intervention...they will yield and make a U turn instead.
Dusting off my hands.
God, it is in your court now. Take over.
Ok, This morning..for C.L.E. I asked Marina to look up the good ole book and find where Exodus 20:2-17, Psalm 23 is and read it to me.
As a finale, I asked her to check out Psalm 22:6
I was irritated since it was not what I was expecting to hear. Upon double checking it was the wrong quote. I was mistaken in taking note of it.
Anyway...after scouring the whole was not in any of the other verse 6.
Then when I was about the throw in the towel, I said, maybe later, I will find it. My little one, who at that point astounded me with her wisdom
said," why don't you check Proverbs.?"
It was the next book.
I was on earth? I have not introduced it to her after a long long while...
Ok...I relented.
Proverb 22:6.
It was it.
I was soooo happy.
Another confirmation of my long time decision to home school her.
It was a surreal incident.
Anyway, for the past several days, I have encountered objections from people when they find out our home school situation.
They look at me as if I was an alien from outer space or from heaven knows where.
My only answer, it is not for all rest assured the socialization aspect of her development is on the right track.
It is not a question of her being an introvert. It is the contrary. She is the life of the party is more like it.
She loves people and socialization. I make sure she gets pretty good exposure of that.
My challenge is to temper it. To balance it off. The scale my swing too much to the far end of the pedulum and what will I have in my hands?
Who knows?
Anyway..she is happy and I am happy.
Less is more actually.
Anyway....We had Music, ARts and Sports today.
We can actually paint the whole day if she likes...but, I had a schedule to follow so...she painted 2 pictures with a nice poetic caption to it.
Prior to me finding the desired scripture verse...she was asking me about having menstruation, having babies.
At the back of my mind...I was happy, that I was there to be able to deal with her question...she has a lot lately about the birds and the bees too and adultery etc.
There are times...when I am not up to explaining to her level...I just say, can we talk about it some other time...when you are a little grown up a bit.
She asks me tonight, when is it the right time for her to watch adult movies. I said, when you are in college...then I said..maybe when you are 24.
Not 22 mom?
No not.
Not 23 mom?
Haggling time.
No. is so fullfilling at the end of the day when she hugs me and says, thanks for homeschooling today. You are the best teacher in the world.
Flap flap...go my dumbo ears.
As a friday treat...we watched an old CD we had, Starsky and Hutch...and it was fun.
I remembered the 70's songs...all wonderful and nice.
Afternoon Delight is getting to be delightful after not hearing it for a while now.
Dad used to play it full volume to wake us up for school each day.
Arghhh...was the way to wake up.
God is good.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

July 16,2010

I had to check the calendar and see what day it is.
I am skyping with my husband, who is 5 hours earlier. He will just have his dinner while I will attempt to catch some sleep after I re-create my before sleeping ritual-blogging.
I see that it is early morning of July 16- Feast of the Lady of Mount Carmel.
Almost 2 decades ago...this was a tragic day. The earthquake that devastated Baguio and Nueva Ecija struck.
Lord, never again please.
Few days ago, we experienced another hairy moment with the Typhoon Basyang.
From the namesake of the kind old grandma of story telling time..this howling storm did not lull me to sleep at all.
The power outtage experienced led me to cook all the 2 weeks stock in my freezer and share them to my neighbors. Admittedly, I was a bit with a heavy heart...I mean, I was all organized to stretch the peso..and had to let go of it in a day.
Anyway, the priest in yesterday's mass said, count your blessings. Consider yourself as lucky and so blessed that although Metro Manila was directly hit, not much damaged was experienced.
I was more anxious of the night prowlers.
The creaking sounds made me remember Oct.7 and the near break in my home at the height of strong winds with the foiled super typhoon in the tail of Ondoy.
So, what is bothering me today..or because of events of yesterday?
Oh, some arm twisting stuff or manipulation.
Putting one in a situation where NO is unacceptable.
No way.
This blogging will not be angst ridden.
It will not be a hot kettle steam spout.
I will try to be more sublime.
I will try to go beyond animal instincts.
Bite, scratch, maim.
No more....
I will cast unto Him who said, Cast unto me all who burden, and I will give you rest.
I will pray for these people.
I pray for blessings upon them and whatever situation they are in, may be alleviated, or soothed.
I pray for solutions to their challenges.
I continue to count my blessings.
My daughter singing....It is time for us, to make our dreams come true....
with much gusto.
My husband, so busy planning for things to come.
My day being well done.
Alright now mate...carry on.
Today's done, tomorrow's another day.
and...I ask the Lord's portion of graces to be able to do what I need to do...with a smile in my face and my heart.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

It has been 2 weeks now that I could not sleep very well. I get drowsy at 8pm. At times, I am able to take a catnap for 10-20 minutes or I try to resist it so I could sleep well at bedtime.
But now, here I go again, it is almost light, and my mind is so full of eyes are so tired and wanting to shut...but sleep abandons me again.
I got up to try bloggin again.
Haven't done much for fear of repercussions: side comments, biting remarks, sarcastic shoutouts.
Am a paranoid to think that they are directed at me?
So, chalk it up as another red mark on my attempt to be Pollyanna.
So what is really bothering me:
1.) I am scared of death.
I tried to prepare for it by writing about the manner I would be finally rested..but, lately...I shudder at the thought. I shudder at the thought of losing my memory in old age and not knowing who I am or my dear loved ones or where I am or where I am headed for.

2.) I am scared of losing my dear loved ones to death as well.

3.) I am delaying and postponing my decision on whether or not at almost 41, I would still try to make a go of having another child.
My husband is all for it.
My 7 year old daughter is raring for it.
I have my reservations and of course, a lot of fears.

4.)I am excited for our High School 25th grand alumni reunion in December.
But, I am not sure to attend. If I am pregnant by then, would the trip and excitement be safe for myself and my child.
My first pregnancy 8 years ago, was delicate. Total bed rest. So, I am mustering all positive vibes....that I can do anything with or without a bulge in my tummy.

But, can I really do everything?
Lately, my biorythym shows otherwise.

Healthwise....a lot of challenges being experienced.

The lumps and bumps I have in my breast and armpits plus the corresponding pains and oozing sensations and slight fever for days, the extreme tiredness are telltale signs of something I do not like to deal with.

Am I in denial?

Well, isn't stubborn faith always perceived as such initially?

In 2007, I was operated on for a very large sebaceous cyst in my right breast. I refused a biopsy on the mass that was removed. I claimed healing. Total and permanent.

But, through the years, discomfort from my breast has really gotten my attention a lot of times.

But, not enough for me to submit myself to terrible mamogram test again, which I swear, was an offspring of olden days torture machines for witches.

Never again will I undergo excruciating pain from a medical test.

I felt that I may have gotten a lump because of being squeezed and tightly shut in a wooden door like mamogram machine.

Yikes. Never again.

Anyway, I am trying my best to restore myself to a clean bill of health by taking this enzyme which is quite a challenge to taste like, rust.

Makes me throw up each time.

Hmmm....but, it has improved some body functions and hopefully be my ticket to something big.

So, with all these options and paths to pursue, isn't it any wonder, that I am up and awake all the time.

Hopefully, that I got back my sea legs bloggings days will lead me to my much desired 40-50 winks.