Wednesday, July 14, 2010

It has been 2 weeks now that I could not sleep very well. I get drowsy at 8pm. At times, I am able to take a catnap for 10-20 minutes or I try to resist it so I could sleep well at bedtime.
But now, here I go again, it is almost light, and my mind is so full of eyes are so tired and wanting to shut...but sleep abandons me again.
I got up to try bloggin again.
Haven't done much for fear of repercussions: side comments, biting remarks, sarcastic shoutouts.
Am a paranoid to think that they are directed at me?
So, chalk it up as another red mark on my attempt to be Pollyanna.
So what is really bothering me:
1.) I am scared of death.
I tried to prepare for it by writing about the manner I would be finally rested..but, lately...I shudder at the thought. I shudder at the thought of losing my memory in old age and not knowing who I am or my dear loved ones or where I am or where I am headed for.

2.) I am scared of losing my dear loved ones to death as well.

3.) I am delaying and postponing my decision on whether or not at almost 41, I would still try to make a go of having another child.
My husband is all for it.
My 7 year old daughter is raring for it.
I have my reservations and of course, a lot of fears.

4.)I am excited for our High School 25th grand alumni reunion in December.
But, I am not sure to attend. If I am pregnant by then, would the trip and excitement be safe for myself and my child.
My first pregnancy 8 years ago, was delicate. Total bed rest. So, I am mustering all positive vibes....that I can do anything with or without a bulge in my tummy.

But, can I really do everything?
Lately, my biorythym shows otherwise.

Healthwise....a lot of challenges being experienced.

The lumps and bumps I have in my breast and armpits plus the corresponding pains and oozing sensations and slight fever for days, the extreme tiredness are telltale signs of something I do not like to deal with.

Am I in denial?

Well, isn't stubborn faith always perceived as such initially?

In 2007, I was operated on for a very large sebaceous cyst in my right breast. I refused a biopsy on the mass that was removed. I claimed healing. Total and permanent.

But, through the years, discomfort from my breast has really gotten my attention a lot of times.

But, not enough for me to submit myself to terrible mamogram test again, which I swear, was an offspring of olden days torture machines for witches.

Never again will I undergo excruciating pain from a medical test.

I felt that I may have gotten a lump because of being squeezed and tightly shut in a wooden door like mamogram machine.

Yikes. Never again.

Anyway, I am trying my best to restore myself to a clean bill of health by taking this enzyme which is quite a challenge to taste like, rust.

Makes me throw up each time.

Hmmm....but, it has improved some body functions and hopefully be my ticket to something big.

So, with all these options and paths to pursue, isn't it any wonder, that I am up and awake all the time.

Hopefully, that I got back my sea legs bloggings days will lead me to my much desired 40-50 winks.

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