Thursday, February 24, 2011

Now That I Got Your Attention

8:25 a.m.

Today I woke up with a smile in my soul. I was like a contented cat purring as the cool morning air refreshed me and urged me to snuggle and stay cozily warm in my position. I detected no back pain or any other pain in my super tired body of yesterday’s activities. Baby in the belly was quiet not much movement.
Funny, I have given it a nickname, Fireworks.
Coincidentally, my daughter was just given a pink teddy bear which she also named Fireworks and we both are so into the Kate Perry song of the same title.
Yesterday was a super challenging day.
I got a surprise email from my very kind Professor, Dr. Aquino advising me that finals will be this Saturday and we have to be in Diliman to take it. No online test. Only for offshore students. Hmmm.
I still have to finish one more paper by Monday Feb.28.
My other professor Dr. De Villa is unreachable. Tried sending her an email asking for extension for my backlogs... I am not so sure there will be any response whatsoever.
Anyway, so, here I was studying away the whole day.
In between, I would catch glimpses of my little one going through her lessons for the day. It was such a beautiful sight. Then I catch her attention with my own loving brand of sssstttt. Then beckoning her to come close so I can get a hug and a kiss.
She looks at me knowingly and obliges.
Then I ask her....why does mama love homeschool.?
She answers confidently,” So we can have hugs and kisses anytime we want and have meals together.”
I reminded her of the Valentine movie we watched, Sweet Home Alabama. There was a line posed by Jake to the question, Why do you want to marry me? And the answer was quite similar. It put a sudden happy thought into my daughters mind that I instinctively know lifted her in a satisfied manner.
Sara’s reflection for today is titled Now That I’ve Gotten Your Attention.
She shares about not just talking or reading about going on a journey.
She encourages us to take one ourselves to discovering our true authentic selves.
She starts with a quote and I quote:
“Sometimes in your life, you will go on a journey.
It will be the longest journey you have ever taken.
It is the journey to find yourself.” ( Katherine Sharp)
I go back again to a line in her forword which goes:
“The authentic self is the soul made visible.”
One thing I have always been aware of in my super openness to my feelings and reactions.
My face is super transparent.
And, so, I have decided long ago, never to lie.
Why? My face and body movements will give me away.
And so, as I add years to my age..I have tried and tried to be a bit more wise. Macbeth advises, be as beautiful looking on the outside, but be a cunning serpent inside.
Mainly because, being so open and true and trusting can easily be occasions of abuse.
Naivete can be a curse or a blessing.
Balancing off is most necessary.
Been hurt many times before because of it.
But, looking was opportunities for learning and becoming stronger.
Today’s scripture reading talks about not being the source or reason for others to sin.
Help me Lord with this portion of grace as I go about my daily round today and always.
“ Whoever causes any of this little ones who believe in me to sin, is better off to have a millstone around his neck and be thrown into sea...” ( Mark 9:42)
Strong words to remind us not to be bad influences to others.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

My Cup Overflows


Last night, my hubby and I didn’t get to talk and pray together as he had some tickets for a tennis game. So, off he went, while I hit the sack heavily and snoozed easily. I forgot to remove my eyeglasses and put off the light.
I planned to put some Padre Pio healing oil in my lower back to ease the pain and discomfort I have been struggling with for days now. I could not budge in my lying position and just offered up a prayer of petition for some form of relief.
By some grace and miracle....I woke up feeling so good. No pain in my left step that shoots up and down my leg and body. felt so good.
Had several errands to do today.
One was to visit a good friend’s remains who passed away last Saturday.
I was so glad that the wife took the time to inform me or else I would have not known at all.
I took the chance to visit my mom’s crypt right after the visit to Brother Tony’s wake since it was nearby.
I miss mom.
Then Marina, Eleanor and I trooped to the Robinson’s mall to do some grocery shopping.
The short jeepney ride was again full of topics to reflect on. Maybe some other time for that.
I want to focus my attention on Sara Ban Breatnach’s reflection for today.
Escavating of one’s past to determine one’s direction.
She believes that the past holds a lot of clues to point us to the right direction in the future.
May I also add, it can also be a good guidepost for areas to avoid, bad habits to break and memories to say good bye to once and for all.
Lessen the baggage.
Lighten the journey.
Well, that is a nice thought.
I have never learned to travel light ever.
A weekend thing would see me packing so much that you’d think I was vacationing for a week or so.
Sara poses some questions to ponder on.
Tonight as I chanced upon a news clip of Celine Dion and her new baby twins...a sweeping view of her magnificent abode...summarizes my answer to one of the provoking questions by the author.
That is it.
That is what I want...if money is not a consideration.
La Dolce Vita indeed.
Anyway....dream away. It is so inexpensive. Practically free.
I want to cap this reflection with today’s bible reading from Psalm cup overflows.
Whatsoever state I find myself in...
I trust that it will suffice.
All I have, is all I need.
For my portion is from my maker.
He who knows everything and that assures me that all things have it’s own perfect fulfilment.
In His time.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Post Valentine Thoughts

5:45 am.

Today, I woke up very early in the morning. The face of my wristwatch tells me 4am. I was trying to sense why I woke up early again. Then...I had 2 thoughts. One was scary...I kept eyeing the window I left open. The other one...forbidden. Equally scary enough.
I wanted to write some thoughts on print.
I hesitated. Too early to get up.
Then my thoughts kept on detouring to places I do not like to go to.
Kept hugging my pillow wishing it was Ruel...
My baby in my belly was awake...kept making me feel it’s wonderful presence.
I then decided to make us listen to music.
Wait, let me fix that.
Ok, Beethoven’s Fur Elise in Solo piano is playing in my ear. The other earphone piece is tucked close to my belly.
Oh, by the way, I remembered the smell of toasted bread in the cool morning air...I remember with a tinge of longing and wishful thinking that my taste will be back to normal. I did not really enjoy my food yesterday. Everything felt awful.
Ok, God’s favour or flavour in my life.
I do not like to lose it.
Nor my daughter’s good regard of me in respect to my relationship with her dad.
Jesus, King of Peace, shalom, grant me the grace to be a good wife and mother.
And Jesus, remembering your wonderful rainbow for me...I trust that it is in you and in you alone that I will find my peace, solace and comfort.
I do not need to look for it in forbidden places.
Jesus, hold me.
Jesus, save me.
Mama Mary, pray for me.
St. Joseph, be our guide and protector.


I just revived my presence and activities in Facebook. Need to be connected with friends and family. That goal and another was achieved.
Anyway, my blogging days are still put on modified hold.
I struggle and resist...for fear where it will lead me again.
I remember the words of Beatrix Potter once again on this same vein.
It is quite an adventure for her every time she starts to write the first word. She is not quite sure where it is going to lead her.
In my case, I know it will be the peeling away of the different layers in my subconscious and am not quite sure, I want to reveal myself so much. Being bare is not really a comforting thought at times.
It requires a certain level of letting go.
Something, I am not so comfortable yet at this point.

How was my day of hearts?
It was really planned and carried out for my daughter.
We prepared and planned out how we are going to decorate our four season wall and gallery.
We had our long overdue pampering spa.
Thanks to the presence of my helpful neighbour, it was carried out. She did most of the preparations. She prepared the oatmeal mask with Marina bothering her to get her hand on separating the egg. Then she prepared the carrot mask. Then the Aloe Vera was pounded into a sticky paste consistency for the hair.
Mari’s request of sweetened banana was ready to cap our self care afternoon.
It was fun.
The laptop was taking care of downloading the Movie time videos. West Side Story and The Mirror has Two Faces. was somehow taking so much time. Making me suspect a terrible slowdown in our internet connection.
Oh, there I hear the wonderful sounds of bird chirping as they go about their early morning food search as the sky turns bright slowly.
I see that the sky is overcast but not grey.
Ok, desk lamp can rest now.
Mari and her dad did not really enjoy the musical and in the last few minutes of the movie requested for the other movie instead.
Of course, democracy won.
I was not ready for a marathon but gave in.
Thus at almost 2am I was grinning and laughing with the amusing romantic comedy of Barbra Streisand. It never seems to make me laugh and tingle with satisfaction each time I watch it.
Ruel kept putting comments on YM which made it doubly fun.
Something which satisfies me so much.
Words, reading and communication is indeed very important to me.
It is a life sustaining blood that makes my life vibrant and full of color.

In retrospect, living for others is the answer to sadness and loneliness.
I put in a full measure of effort and planning for the day to be extra special for my daughter with her dad far from us.
It was nice to hear her greet me the day after with “Happy Valentines Mama,” with a tone of satisfaction in her still sleepy voice.
And we finally finished our Four Season gallery. Our theme is Trees of Life. Heart bearing in the different seasons.
Up on the wall, I decided that it requires more color.
We will insert it in today’s activities.
Ok now, I see that my favourite building in my view is being touched by golden rays now. Just what I have been waiting for.
I now know where the exact location of the building is. It is in the A Venue vicinity along Makati Ave. It is my rainbow building of an inspiration and connection.
Oh, we got a special treat as we got to our room Valentines evening...a magnificent fireworks display was our treat. It was really spectacular. I wonder next where it was originating from...but am content that it was afforded us that special evening. Ruel was so happy he shared in this experience even only via webcam.
It is past 630 in the morning and I wonder if I am going to publish this or not. Hmm..will see.

Simple Abundance, Less is more.

It is almost play time for my little lady. But, she has books to tackle yet. We are on the final stretch before finals. Me too...I am trying to move heaven and earth for the grace and the strength to be able to finish all my requirements before my own finals.
My daughter and my own distance education for a certificate course is really quite a tall order. In between trying to grow this baby in my belly so that by the stork’s date...we are all ready to greet one another.
This day started with quite a bang. It somehow made me face some issues I wanted to sweep under the rug so to speak. But..had to face it.
Then...some Godly appointments...( calls and situations requiring my attentions not necessarily my desired plan.)
Another idea has spawned itself in my mind that has snatched away the precious ZZZ from my regular afternoon nap.
I reach for the HP notebook and here I am typing away another resolve.
I plan to put down my thoughts (again) on print as I review another jewel in my humble collection of books.
Sarah Ban Breathnach book, Simple Abundance.
I have had it for 21 years already and it has truly been a source of comfort and joy as I attain some sort of balance from my out of space and body hurtling experiences as I go through each day and try to sew body and soul together.
Her foreword explains why or how she wrote this book.
Let me muse on some of her evocative lines.
She starts with a quote from Margaret Young: “ Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do in order to have what you want.”
I remember a line, “ Do what you need to do, so you can do what you want to do later on.”
I think I heard this on Oprah’s movie clip of her own production of The Color of Purple.
Somehow, I have been repeating this to my daughter as I try to train her in delaying gratification. First things first. Then later, maybe later, the wants will come when the needs will be fully satisfied.
Example, I need to save first before spending. Contrary to popular plastic economy practice is buy now pay later.
Truly rich merchants especially the Chinese live by this until now. Paying cash is better than credit. In the long term, you pay more. Less savings. More stress.
Six practical , creative and spiritual principles are being encouraged to reflect and focus on as you try to rid your life of what is not working and focus on those that are:
Some checks and balances to/ for a woman to live by her own lights and not by others definitions of what if’s and what should.
Author assures that as one journeys in a safari to discover one’s authenticity and creativity, one’s lifestyle of painful existence will be transformed into moment to moment states of grace and contentment.
All will be sources of reflection, revelation and reconnection to one’s spirit, as one gets adept to spin straw into gold or instinctively know what to do with a few loaves and fishes, the author confidently guarantees.
21 years and counting as I achieve a zen like existence of truly being alive and sublime with this book’s assistance.
Cross my heart and fingers.

Feb.12,2011 Kinks in the System


Let us start with how I look right now. My hair is like a lions mane curling unruly around my head begging for a comb to run it’s fine teeth through it...hoping to smoothen out the kinks and curls that go whichever direction they wish to.
I want to rest and sleep, but it has abandoned me many times as I have thoughts running to directions I wish it not to go.
My school deadline to submit my second paper before final exams is today and yet...I cannot budge.
I just had a spat with my long distance hubby who is busy preparing for his new love, tennis.
I wanted to chat with him online to share him my thoughts like a sounding board so I can somehow find coherence in several issues snagging my heart and snatching away my peace.
Owing to the time difference, I roused him from his sleep and he was not yet in the mood to I resorted to being hurt...and feeling really so lonesome and sad...since something like these issues can be easily resolved just by one big bear hug from him.
I cannot hug myself enough to feel that warm tingling feeling inside that can light me up like an incandescent bulb energized to last me another day or two.
I have been sniffing away the runny nose that has been the result of tears continuously streaming down my swollen cheeks and Rudolph Red snout.
I have been stopping myself from posting my thoughts online via facebook lest my uncensored thoughts and feelings will reveal so much more than I can afford to at this time.
I have actually been on abstinence from facebook cause it is somehow disturbing my peace so much. Distancing is my best ally to maintaining my balance and harmony.
I was kinda amused to know that Michelle Obama has not allowed her children to be part of Facebook. Something quite extraordinary being the most social networking site available...I wonder what varied responses and comments this might elicit.
Now...I am getting more calm as I type...not really knowing where this will lead me. But the calming effect of typing away the black keyboard of this notebook is quite reassuring and hypnotic. I feel a bit sleepy too.
Top of the list bothering thought:
Last thought before the zzzzz and the first thought upon rising...why? I cannot seem to fathom. I have mustered brainwashing affirmations to ward away thoughts from lingering or detouring to that direction, but, it is still there.
What to do? Heaven knows.
The dreams are so vivid as if real. The stroking of the hand as if in a restless assurance that, yes, I take you and want to be an essential part of your life. Dark brown over ivory whiteness.
Ok, I think I feel dreamy enough now with that thought. Let me catch a few more winks to refuel my system to finally submit my paper before the clock strikes 12 and out.