Post Valentine Thoughts

Feb.16,2011
5:45 am.

Today, I woke up very early in the morning. The face of my wristwatch tells me 4am. I was trying to sense why I woke up early again. Then...I had 2 thoughts. One was scary...I kept eyeing the window I left open. The other one...forbidden. Equally scary enough.
I wanted to write some thoughts on print.
I hesitated. Too early to get up.
Then my thoughts kept on detouring to places I do not like to go to.
Kept hugging my pillow wishing it was Ruel...
My baby in my belly was awake...kept making me feel it’s wonderful presence.
I then decided to make us listen to music.
Wait, let me fix that.
Ok, Beethoven’s Fur Elise in Solo piano is playing in my ear. The other earphone piece is tucked close to my belly.
Oh, by the way, I remembered the smell of toasted bread in the cool morning air...I remember with a tinge of longing and wishful thinking that my taste will be back to normal. I did not really enjoy my food yesterday. Everything felt awful.
Ok, God’s favour or flavour in my life.
I do not like to lose it.
Nor my daughter’s good regard of me in respect to my relationship with her dad.
Jesus, King of Peace, shalom, grant me the grace to be a good wife and mother.
And Jesus, remembering your wonderful rainbow for me...I trust that it is in you and in you alone that I will find my peace, solace and comfort.
I do not need to look for it in forbidden places.
Jesus, hold me.
Jesus, save me.
Mama Mary, pray for me.
St. Joseph, be our guide and protector.


POST VALENTINE THOUGHTS

I just revived my presence and activities in Facebook. Need to be connected with friends and family. That goal and another was achieved.
Funny.
Anyway, my blogging days are still put on modified hold.
I struggle and resist...for fear where it will lead me again.
I remember the words of Beatrix Potter once again on this same vein.
It is quite an adventure for her every time she starts to write the first word. She is not quite sure where it is going to lead her.
In my case, I know it will be the peeling away of the different layers in my subconscious and am not quite sure, I want to reveal myself so much. Being bare is not really a comforting thought at times.
It requires a certain level of letting go.
Something, I am not so comfortable yet at this point.

How was my day of hearts?
It was really planned and carried out for my daughter.
We prepared and planned out how we are going to decorate our four season wall and gallery.
We had our long overdue pampering spa.
Thanks to the presence of my helpful neighbour, it was carried out. She did most of the preparations. She prepared the oatmeal mask with Marina bothering her to get her hand on separating the egg. Then she prepared the carrot mask. Then the Aloe Vera was pounded into a sticky paste consistency for the hair.
Mari’s request of sweetened banana was ready to cap our self care afternoon.
It was fun.
The laptop was taking care of downloading the Movie time videos. West Side Story and The Mirror has Two Faces.
Hmm...it was somehow taking so much time. Making me suspect a terrible slowdown in our internet connection.
Oh, there I hear the wonderful sounds of bird chirping as they go about their early morning food search as the sky turns bright slowly.
I see that the sky is overcast but not grey.
Ok, desk lamp can rest now.
Mari and her dad did not really enjoy the musical and in the last few minutes of the movie requested for the other movie instead.
Of course, democracy won.
I was not ready for a marathon but gave in.
Thus at almost 2am I was grinning and laughing with the amusing romantic comedy of Barbra Streisand. It never seems to make me laugh and tingle with satisfaction each time I watch it.
Ruel kept putting comments on YM which made it doubly fun.
Something which satisfies me so much.
Words, reading and communication is indeed very important to me.
It is a life sustaining blood that makes my life vibrant and full of color.

In retrospect, living for others is the answer to sadness and loneliness.
I put in a full measure of effort and planning for the day to be extra special for my daughter with her dad far from us.
It was nice to hear her greet me the day after with “Happy Valentines Mama,” with a tone of satisfaction in her still sleepy voice.
And we finally finished our Four Season gallery. Our theme is Trees of Life. Heart bearing in the different seasons.
Up on the wall, I decided that it requires more color.
We will insert it in today’s activities.
Ok now, I see that my favourite building in my view is being touched by golden rays now. Just what I have been waiting for.
I now know where the exact location of the building is. It is in the A Venue vicinity along Makati Ave. It is my rainbow building of an inspiration and connection.
Oh, we got a special treat as we got to our room Valentines evening...a magnificent fireworks display was our treat. It was really spectacular. I wonder next where it was originating from...but am content that it was afforded us that special evening. Ruel was so happy he shared in this experience even only via webcam.
It is past 630 in the morning and I wonder if I am going to publish this or not. Hmm..will see.